Absolutely... Divine

You know it may sound self centred but...
Sometimes I just can't help but feel like the world is out to get me. Have you had that before? I'm pretty sure it's bound to have occured in your mind at a time when just everything just isn't going right.

That, no matter what you do or how hard you try, it's not gonna work, or when you stop and think about what's happened in the day it's just been a series of unfortunate events. Mind you there's a huge scale as to what bad things that happen are.

Yesterday whilst I was walking, I nearly got run over... AGAIN! And once again no, I wasn't jay walking, I was walking on the FOOTPATH of a street, not crossing the road T.T just like the other time I got off a bus n nearly got hit by a car who's driver dozed off for a sec whilst I was waiting to cross the Stirling Hwy, yet I was on the footpath just standing and waiting to cross.

And you know what? The list of near road accidents doesn't end there, but I find it largely amusing that they all happen when I'm NOT jay walking :S Yet, the list of occurences goes on... Mind you I'm pretty sure that as you age the cases just rise linearly if not exponentially later in life.

Ok so I admit that shit happens, and it happens to everybody so it's not like I'm extra special or anything. Just that when you think about it, the number of times they've been potential occurences, that you've been lucky to miss it's so easy to believe that there is divine intervention. And if not that, is there something out there helping us? Guiding us?

Do you believe that there's a Creator? a Lord or God of our universe?or would it be spirits or souls of our loved ones always watching?

Or is it an enternal balancing scale? The balance in the circle of life? Is there a reason to life, whether we choose to do one thing or the other? is it that there's someone up there that favours some while not others; why some are blessed some not? (in the words of 'God Help the Outcasts' lol every time u tread this line the song just plays in my head... Ok then moving on...)

Or is it just retribution? That were here to make up for something, someone? Is this all a trial, a test or a second chance? Are we living in purgatory? Or are we repeating our actions, reliving our lives again and again until we've finally perfected it, a life without sin.

But is that even possible? To live a life without sin? Is that not how we're defined? That we are creatures of imperfection? Are we really forgiven for all our sins past, present and future? Does that undermine our free will if it's already known that we will and must be doomed to make mistakes? Does that not sound grim? That we are doomed to do wrong? So what is the motivation to do right if we know that we're gonna do wrong and have already been forgiven, that it was forseen anyways?

And what if we're reliving our lives repeatitively to achieve perfection? What then? Would there really be a meaning to life if we all lead the 'perfect' life? I guess that the assumption that everyone would be at various stages at attaining this, and that it was our duty to assist others to attain the same. But what if you did not help? Then would you not be reliving the exact same life repeatedly due to your own inadequacy, insufficiency of a kind, outreaching heart. What then would be the point of life? You would go through the motions of just repeating and completing the tasks of the previous life... And continue to do so whilst lacking theexact same quality. So how then would any improvement occur? Would this mean that our lives would be largely dependant on the lives around us to trigger responses which would be pivotal to our very existances.

Buy then what is the 'perfect' life? what needs to occur? What needs to be done? What needs to be acquired in order for us to fit the requirements?

I think I'll leave it there, for now.

This has been here for months, until next time.

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Silence in my mind

Hey,
So I haven't written lately.
I haven't written coz I was sad.
I lost a post that I couldn't remember how to rewrite, and there's no possible way of even getting close to recreating the words and emotions expressed on it; so I wasn't going to even try, any attempt would have been a pitiful mockery of a single moment in time that can't be retrieved.

You know I read an article recently about the freedom and options we have today...

And how with all these options that in order to feel like we achieve something, we jump from one task to another so quickly that we don't take the chance to put sufficient effort in and even less time on stopping to celebrate and reflect.

Without taking a break, disappointment mixes in as we keep hovering from one thing to another. It makes so much sense tho, personally I feel like it really applies. Pre-exam period I'm already signing up for things in the summer break, always jumping at opportunities. It's almost scary now tha I think of it; how much enjoyment and excitement I get from combing through classifieds for job openings and career opportunities when looking at the current, it's completely unfeasible. I'm completely disorganised and have next to no time of my own (unless I'm preoccupied with the Internet, the state of my room can atest to that).

But yes it's so true the amount of disappointment I have with my life from throwing my mind too far forward coz I'm not satsfied with the now.

But my question really is why do I keep doing so whilst at the same time complaining I need a good decent holiday rest? is it a fear of having nothing to do? Or that there's a sense of self insufficiency, that I need to catch up and get ahead whilst I still can?

There's so much I wanna do but I also shy away from. I know i'm great at being non-commital, often convincing myself out of doing things I really want to achieve. Is it the fear of commuting? Or that I'm always waiting for something bigger, a chance of a lifetime to shock my world into a worthy existence.

But where can I go if I don't put myself out there? There will be no open doors or windows to fly through if you don't even dare taking a peep of the outside, coz then when the opportunity is presented, would I take the plunge?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Afternoon Stroll

Hmm I haven't posted in days but after a day of work, I'm walking around and you know what I feel quite content.

I'm amazed since there hasn't been anything that exciting... Maybe it's the weather, it's not all gloomy n dark today.

But I was walking in the late arvo sun where shining through the gaps in trees the sun makes me feel like there's something magical in the world.

And I heard the laughter of kids
And then I saw there's these three siblings after school
Riding on their bikes happy as hell just riding in circles in the front yard that coulnt be more than 20sqm (yea that spot was absolutely miniscule)

And you know I wondered, how is it that they can be so happy and free about such a little thing? Or such a simple activity?

When for me, enjoying my free time must always involve at least one electronic device, whrther it be internet access, playing games, reading(yeah I read ebooks to save me going to the library when there's one less than 5 mins walk from my house) or watching a movie.
Yet it never seems to be enough... I'm just as wound up or irritated or sad as I was before.

Guess my pondering today is maybe it's time to go back to the basics? Maybe a good electronics n furniture famine may be good for my soul. Tho mind you apparently I've got internet addiction disorder :S

Ah wells that's it for now
*hugs* & love

-Del
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It's All in the Mind

You know I was thinking today about depression and the feeling depressed...

So what do I know about it?
It's a chronic disease which has high burden on society and on a person's quality of life.

It's prevalence globally is on the rise and you can get drugs that are supposed to help you manage it through changing your biochemical balance in the brain.

But we don't quite seem to know enough about how it comes about other than high stress levels and feelings.

I know I blame alot of it on PMS... But it's true I have huge mood swings.

I find it amusing... You don't really take things in until it truly hits you close to home. I was discussing with my collegues (ooo I feel so pro saying that... No it's just work colleagues) about how depression is largely affecting alot of her friends who are post menapausal and that it seems that pill popping of anti-depressants is a total norm.

She's very physically active, taking part in triathlons and such which means that it doesn't really affect her.

I had also recently read an article on how there is a lack of satisfaction in people in current society because of the conveniece of life. How without the struggle to attain a goal we become less appreciative of what we have.

A further idea is also that as humans, for the development of fine motor skills, a large proportion of our brain is dedicated to the hands and that this area is closely linked to the pleasure centre of the brain. As there is a decrease use of fine motor skills in everyday life, it is believed that we are less content.

So these are ideas that suggest as to why we may have lowered happiness levels. The time spent with family nowadays is highly decreased. Children too are growing up too fast in my own beliefs.

I feel so disgusted when I see the sexualisation of children in their primary school years even worse in children even younger. I feel so sad when I hear about the people who lose their first time when they're drunk, that they were dumped the day after or sleep around.

Not that I'm saying I'm mightier than thou or that shun them that they're not pure. I'm not saying that I deny the socially accepted norm but I feel a sense of pity. It's ok if to say you've done it and not regretted it but I say I feel sad and pity for those who do.

It's only going to be as special as you make it, just like eevery other thing in life. But the question is that since when did the brightness in life disappear; it just doesn't excite you as much as much as it did before.

Where did the sparkle just fade to? Is it that you don't appreciate it anymore? You take it for a given because that's the social norm and that every other person does it or have it too. And since it doesn't shine and that it's just going to be that way from now on... Are you just going to fall further?

Or is it expectations? Have you been framed and boxed into a particular way? That you can never meet their expectations or your very own? That you've tried but it keeps falling out.

The bare minimum you can keep up is that same mask. Everyday you put it on and for that moment it merges with your skin, it melts in, integrates and things get pushed back yet don't disappear... Yet it's a fine line that is being followed.

There are cracks and splits all the way through and at any moment, every personal nudge gives rise to more of the sadness pushed back to seep out. To just keep holding on it's another task in the daily schedule of things to do. Although you can totally immerse yourself in the things you enjoy, as soon as you surface it's as if nothing's changed.

There isn't much that can be done until the underlying issue is completely resolved and there is closure... However at the end of it all you can sit down and wonder what it was all for; those born into the great can seek for normalcy whilst the average try to aim for the great and we all end up trying to get what we don't have.

But what of those in the middle? Are they content to remain at that point?Are they even able to sustain the balance or end up slipping to the grips of either extreme?

For what is the balance we need to be the best we are; for ourselves, for our families, for our community?

What is it that we live for?
Self gratification?
Our duty?
Our morals?
Our faith?
Our love?
Our beauty?
Our youth?
Our dream?
Our fantasy?
Our collective whole?
Or is it that we live to exist?
To prove our existence and make a mark?
For what mark will there be without the legacy?
If there is none to pass it on there is nothing to pass on.

We exist because there is a future potential.
For without that, why would you live another day.
If there is no hope then there is no need to hold on because it can be so much easier to give up if the only other option has no meaning... And it is meaning that gives us a purpose to strive forward to the next moment.

You know I think I've found it again, that voice of mine inside my head. I welcome it as it fills my head as I type... The words that fill my mind and this moment in cyberspace(well more like my iPhone atm... no net available). This is my bloggie and this is my existence

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Long Time Mo See

Heellllllllooooo
hmmm my dear bloggie
it's been a while hasn't it
rather lately it's been a while nearly everytime :(

So why the sudden return?
Coz I miss theeeeeee
And well when I vent I think
So it's good for everyone right ?
Well cept for those who hear me grumble n moan in complaints then read it all again

So yes...
I got an iPhone so with the new app maybe you'll be hearing more from me.

I was thinking rather than continual splurges of text the minimal aim will be 3 best things of the day.

So here goes:
Good things about today?
-my group proposal and presentation is over
-I've found this app
-I woke up from a happy dream n actually for the first time in a while felt refreshed
-getting some exercise in
-walk with mum through uni grounds

Well that's it for now until I have better content for discussion

Random thought today:
Why is it that I dreamt of you to soothe my heavy heart?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Exam Evils.

Its that time of the year..
and sorta a bad time to get back into blogging
but..
at the same time
the stress makes it so tempting
so maybe there will be a stream of posts for now??
well least i hope.

well
im not here to talk about
all the crap to do with exams
rather with exam study
and not to do with study for exams either

today we were supposedly studying..
but ended up later on in the night at skye's place
lina, mona n i just reading the Lucifer's Effectbook

and it raised the idea that...

To rid the world of evil,
you yourself must become evil

which really intrigued my thinking-ness

it also raised the question
whether or not its possible
to convert the world to a better place
through non-violent ways

that there are people out there
being nominated for nobel peace prizes.
but would only know about this
if i were to step outside of my bubble world
and to actually take an interest
and proactive approach to life finding out these things.

meanwhilst
does it not make sense that
by attempting to correct and prevent
'evils' from occuring
that we have to violate another's human rights

which brings about justice and non-maleficence

but. is that really 'fair'?
is capital punishment validated
that its an 'eye for an eye'
or that rather life time imprisonment
with rehabilitiation.
does that change anything?
will the person actually feel guilt
and understand that they were wrong?

its doubt....

i believe in life imprisonment
but to reintroduce someone
back into society.
it is a fear.

why?

because i do not know.
WE do not know..
what is in their mind.
what is in their heart

have they changed??
is the correctional facility effective
is reflective thinking what was going
through their mind that whole time??
or were they innocent?
or did they feel justified that what they had done was correct?

we just simply do not know.

but i do agree.

we would not know good without evil
nor evil without good..

Circles of Circles

its been ages since i've blogged
well excluding the recent one
however
it was mainly accountable to the
lack of content. or so i claimed.

i like to think of this as a record
but in the record itself its something
that exists (hmm somehow in cyberspace?)
or however it exists as binary or what not.
i dont quite understand how it works

tho the point being rather than
something that records what ive been up to in my life
like it was earlier on
but to be something more of like
a collection of thoughts
the existence of processes
which together form some physical kind of... blob???
personally. not quite sure myself.
maybe if i ever print it off..
it will be a physical collection of paper then :)
something that has converted from
the basic movement of electrolytes
forming an electrical currents
that shoot between each other
bouncing off nerve to nerve
to form a continual stream of thoughts that are
later continually converted to even more various energies
to take physical form on paper
in the macro scale of something physical that i can see

and reading over that..
is it not a physical element already there in the first place
like something that we cant see but is there.
which really makes me wonder
if i could ever see the entire world
in the hypothesised basic composition at atomic scale
what it would really be like i can only imagine...

i barely made sense in the last 5 mins have i?
(i started 5 mins ago)

but. the point is
i was also talking bout the contents and topics
and the one that was on my mind was that of continuum

First. lets go all the way back
to where this continuum thoughts started from.
last week was my 3 hour seminar on equity and diversity.
it was talking bout equity and diversity in the world
and how there has been and is prejudice in the world
namely in our everyday lives..
especially things we will encounter
in our lives later in the workforce
that there is privilege in being part of the dominant group.
which would be:

*caucasian
*male
*hetrosexual
*able-bodied (that is to say not disbled)

and when they were discussing homosexuality..
there was a recommendation to go and watch the movie Kinsey
which discusses the works of Kinsey who developed
the Kinsey scale of sexuality.

basically Kinsey is what they called the Father of sexuality
who basically got studies and information together
through an enormous number of interviews
to determine what is 'normal'
as sex is such a hush hush topic and no one really knew much about it

the scale ranges about 1-7 (or 1-5?) anyways.
there's two extremes..
one being 100% heterosexual and the other 100% homosexual
and then between these two extremes
the range describes a mix of the two in varying degrees.

and with that they basically state that
the scale shows how sexuality is a continuum
rather than a distinct, defined straight cut picture

which had further lead me to the thought of continuums..

yes thats how the full circle went..
but then question is... a continuum means a range??
like this scale where things fall somewhere between 2 points
but relating it to the word continuous..
if its continuous then should there be no end?
and that said..
it would be an infinite line wouldnt it?

ok dictionary definition first:

continuum: noun, plural -tin⋅u⋅a  /-ˈtɪnyuə/
1. a continuous extent, series, or whole.

hmm so yes.. it is 'continuous'
then i thought about how to depict it..
how do you represent a continuous entity
without having to stop it coz it doesnt stop??

the image i had in mind was a circle..
it just goes round and round and round and round and round.
mm you get the point by now eh? :P

but then connecting the circle
would lead to the ultimate problem that
both extremes would be touching each other
so if the two extremes are touching..
then are they really that different?
what is the point of dichotomy then?

it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer..
ah yes.. i love it.
for all those interesting concepts put together
like the episodes on passion
that, rather than love vs. hate that drives us
it is passion that they both are.
so the opposites of love is not hate
and hate is not the opposite of love
rather it is the absence of passion
that is the opposite of the both emotions
as the lack of is the ultimate opposite
of a burning emotion present in a person

and at the same topic, or on a different analogy
likening to my health admin studies...

the opposite of job satsifaction is not job disatisfaction, rather it is the absence of job satisfaction

somehow.. now that i think of it..
i think some of the words aren't right
probs mixed up some of the terms
like correct words
but the meaning is still there
it related to the the point that
you cant change job satisfaction
by dealing hygiene issues,
that is issues that people are complaining about
rather to enhance their work life by increasing motivation
through contribution, extended learning and recognition

ok.
shall leave this here
since its been hanging around for a while on drafts.

*hugs*
(maybe more posts with the impending exams..??)
-Del

Hello, I'm New... and who may I ask.. are you?

Hello, hello, hello.
strange that....
a word i dont even say that often anymore.
i realised that just the other day.
walking back from uni and back to work.
or rather, i don't quite remember saying it
then it makes me wonder.
how many people i do come across in my day to day life.

later yester-night..
it felt as if time gone backwards again.
back one? two years?
yep. that time again.
buddhists talks n such
and there it was the same group of people
turning up for another set of talks.
and there it was.
the same feeling
and i wondered.
was it the thoughts that triggered the feeling of being there as before
the whole collated group gathering and belonging
if not discussing then thinking over
the questions being raised.

or.
was it just that winter has arrived again.
the dark cold room
with a group of warm smiles and chatter
alleviating the lonely depression
slowly seeping in from the outside..
creeping in and under your skin
through the wind.

does this post somehow feel dysjointed?
i dunno.
it feels so familiar to be typing again
yet it feels like there's somewhat a distance
some sort of hesitation as to a clear cut topic.
funny this.
somehow it feels like. or as if i do have some
distance with my own blog.
as if meeting back up with an old partner.
trying to get past the initial awkwardness
of getting to know each other again..
trying to relight an old passionate relationship...


hmm.
to some extent... no.
some of those words were just that too far romanticised
but yes. it is true it was hard to start typing a post again
but stepping back a bit, it seems as if it really wasnt that hard
to step back in to this same role..
maybe old habits really do die hard? :P

anyways.
im hoping this is a come back to my once regular posting.
of which the only way would be to make time for it no matter what.
but somehow wondering whether retuning to my mental escape
is really that great of an idea...
good for the mind
bad for my studies :P
...
well hope it isnt.
should be a fun enjoyable past time..
which it once was.

and..
finishing off with a post i started back in feb :)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

New year.
New number.
New age.
New opportunities.
New challenges.
New ...?

so another year has started.
but is everything all so new?
just coz a calendar states that things suddenly stop and start afresh..
is it actually start afresh?
its more like it just goes on.

somehow its like you're stuck in a never ending circle
or like some roller coaster on repeated loop the loop
that you cant get away from
yet if you manage to move away
the new change eventually integrates into routine
and your routine cycles over once again..

some how that thought is slightly depressive
but.. at the same time. comforting
it means that you shouldnt be theoretically
having endless ups and downs
yet they still exist to distort your routine
however routine over rules.
least you hope so...
it would be pretty hard to find financial security other wise.
yet question would be whether
financial or emotional security for that matter
is your ultimate aim?
or a simple life?
or one studded with uncertainties and unknowns
coming round the river bend?

===========================================================

hoping the rain stops soon..
(reason why i didnt go to uni today..
well that and i need to reorganise my life)

*hugs*

-Del

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i miss you....
yes i miss my bloggie.
but then i dont make a move to go and blog..
cos i dont really have a substantial thing to blog about

=======================================================

there it goes.
my second year.
hmmm uni's done n out but guess what?
im doing assigns T.T
well.. actually they're really easy..
but still.. they're assigns.
but they're for my course...
if i dont do them then i dont get my cert.
(course being a training course i decided to do)
and sorta silly-ly enough straight after my exams finished..
had a few days break but i still feel under-rested..
you know why?
coz yesterday, today and tomorrow's all medical terminology
*sigh*

buuutttt
right now im taking a break coz i miss my blog
and my ramble
and maybe for my dear, this would be good for him
coz he wont have to hear me ramble bout god's know what crap
just coz i feel like talking to someone.. or something
about anything..
anything at all.. just to have words sprout outta my mind
tho in the case of talking...
out of my mouth bypassing the brain
therefore leading to many-a awkward & unintended
sayings which i did not really mean in using any particular word...
and im trying not to start digging holes..
coz they do get worse altho sometimes
it maybe makes people see that i dont mean what i say
tho yeah.. if i dont try to rectify
it sorta stays hanging in the air...
hmmm :(

my year this year?
its been up and down and just plain rolling along
with its mighty highs and major lows.. major major lows...
and well with its quickly approaching end..
i've a feeling its really gonna go out with a big bang!
well hopefully that doesnt mean that its gonna be the
be all and end all
but rather have a happy celebrating end to the year
like finishing the year on a happy note

hmm..
lets let this be the happy note for the bloggie
i shall visit again soon :)

*hugs*
-Del

Let's Go Fly a Kite~!

i feel like singing...
well i havent felt like it lately
but you know the feeling that you get
once you start something?
and then you just wanna continue
despite the complaints of people around you? :P
mm i sung a bit today...
and now i just feel like going on and on and on
i remember how nice it feels like once again
*sigh*
awwwwwwwww

the title...
dont it make you think of the end of mary poppins?
well dunno which version i think there were a number of them?
bleh... anyways the last song...
or am i just wrong.. could be another movie :S
bleh.
but the point
its all happy.. the family all get reunited
and the dad rediscovers his dad-li-ness
well his happy loving father side
n the kids go with him and mary poppins to fly a kite in the park
and everything ends well
doesnt that thought make you happy?
or maybe not...
mm each to their own

i used a different perfume today..
one i havent used in ages..
and then i was reminded how strong the sense of smell
is in relation to triggering memories
its interesting really
that just a smell can ilicit a particular feeling associated to it
well tho as long as it was a pleasant feeling alls good
and i guess that's why essential oils are suggested
tools for study..
damn. i really shoulda used that whilst i had the chance

warm fuzzies...
they can make the world go round

mm its late
and this seems so insubstantial
but its a post nontheless for the moment

so nite nite

from a tired del
*hugs*

Can you believe everything you see?

they say that at their weakest point in life
people tend to show their true colours
or in times of adversity in general
so in desparation our expectations or limits
capacities and tolerances change
they may completly surprise themselves n everyone
by acting completely unusual
they may face the dangers face on...
cower n run away..
or..
do whatever they usually do
maybe coz what's happened before
seems as if it could become of use again
what is it they say?
go with the 'tried n tested' ?
(hmm somehow sounds a bit strange
maybe its 'tested n trialled'?
or 'tried n proven'?)

=====================================================

a month later...
and somehow..
at times it feels as if nothing has changed
at yet others.. its as if im on a new plane
a new playing field..
someone went n had to throw in another dimension
another layer...
and possibly..
yet another problematic complication
things go round
as does the world..
mind you many things in the world are also round
(and at this moment i wonder also
how much my writing voice has changed...
gah.. damn you critical thinking in pubh!!)

but but but...
when you think about life...
how often is it that you think about family?
not like not think at all but in relation to problems
not like communication problems between you n your parents
but rather those 'scandals' those skeletons in those closets
those things that for example elections
where politicians have all their dirt dug up..
oooo wow ruddy went to a night club...
and those celebrities..
oh what did she get up to...
or him oh.. he so shouldnt have done that...
marriages
divorces
deaths
all in our everyday lives all around us..
and of course.. those scandelous moments...
and then after the gale.. everything settles
and every small particle
just falls and finds its place to rest
and in some cases its seems as if nothing had gone by before
had such a thing even happened?
it gets pushed to the past
possibly forgotten
but like any single moment
history can repeat itself
and with gusts indicating a storm rising again
mixed with the smallest remain of previous assults
that may not have been caught up in some disagreements
are once again the trigger point for a whole new tornado
hmm tho mind you the analogy really doesnt work
since the weather comparison doesnt work that way...
but.. maybe you can get the point.
basically. use the common one.
from the smallest of seeds a great tree can grow
but on the negative side...
coz growing trees is a positive coz we can convert more waste
and on a quicker time scale too...
think cascades and nuclear fission (i think?)
i cant remember physics anymore

============================================================
but back to those skeletons
those things that haunt our brightest dreams
of the romanticised perfect lives in peace n harmony..
mind you. not that i am saying
every single person defines this as happiness
and this is what we strive for..
but think the american dream and the aussie dream
they have their common themes
these occurrences which break up the perfection
as much as we hear about those problems
those issues and just go by day by day
not realising or giving a thought to that 'hey thank god its not me'
and entirely taking the family around them for granted
or focusing on their smaller questions and issues
as if it dominates their great microcosm

or actually thinking 'thank god its not me'
but never stopping to realise
how close these issues are to home
its just like cancer..
what only like 1 in 3 people
know of someone who has had cancer
so it such a distant issue since im the lucky 2
but hey..
who knew... it wouldnt happen to me
but it still struck a chord..
it hurts everyone...
to some scale misfortunes occur in every microcosm
it strikes, you deal, n you just gotta keep on walking
or.. if you're drowinig in quick shit..
just keep hanging on...
things keep sprialling further n further down
as if the cycle won't end
coz its definate that for sure
that one thing triggers the next
but its for the people around you that you live
that you live and keep going on...
they love you and no matter what you must keep going forward
why voluntarily cut it short?
for all you know..
things may take a turn for the best soon
maybe just around the corner
you just have to hold with that blind hope and faith
that with each fistful of crap
that you strive to take a grip on
for every stone above your head you reach for
there may be a time that you will be able to rise above it all
and what you will see is the beautiful horizon
and that all those tears...
all that crap...
all that pain you had held in.. that you hardened against
will feel worth while..
it was over and you had made it.
until then...
you walk along that line of uncertainty.
that same point where you meander...
you tilt and tip
you swing from side to side
which side will you land?

is everyone the same?
can you place the world population
on a set of scales and
find a balance against a single stereotype?
no.. its not that way
in the measurement you find variances
those strange exceptions to things in life
those point mutations and missenses
that seem to distort a single view
however..
in the view its so much easier to omit these extrapolations
than to fully accomodate and to rearrange the generalisations made
and on the other hand.. in the other light
once wronged to call someone insane
or to just apply a negative label from a single to a group
its easier not to believe anymore
to escape and shut out
to just hide and run.

but those skeletons are still there..
they're just lurking behind...
in the shadows in the dark
but in the neverending bleakness
what do you see?
what is it that you may be able to comprehend
amongst all that nothingness?
is it even a possibility to be able to
confirm what you see or understand is the whole picture
that what you claim to be there is really there
that there is no other feature that is unknownst to you?
(is that even the correct usage of 'unknowst'?)

is it overthinking?
is it an underlying current?
is it coincidence?
is it plausable?
is it superstition?
is it misfortune?
is it karma?
is it a curse?
is it ghosts?
is it the accumulated deleted chain mails come to haunt?

are you safe?
and your loved ones?
why did this happen?
it doesnt seem right.
better to have lost material things
life is the most valuable
with all the material things we treasure in this world
we placed them there ourselves
that is how they gained their value
their function or their conveinence
its due to our laziness
we indulge in that and thus we place value
on that which facilitates our indulgence
the luxury goods which gives rise to our status
but where does that lead us?
with all that money, status and power..
influence?
control?
but they have their limits

pushing and shoving
taking and grabbing
stripping the lands of their goods
what does that give you?
you did minimal for what you have
and when it ends?
you always need more
it will never be sufficient
the hunger never remains satiated
and once again you're back there desparate again

it goes round and round and round and round
if it doesnt happen to you
its someone else
but why...
why does it happen?
is it completely unavoidable?
completely inevitable?
what can be done?

will they listen?
will they heed?
no.. its a load of bullcrap!
or will they just wake up on their own?
that with time they learn?
is it worth your time reaching out?
is it worth changing them one by one?
is it possible to even do so?
or given the chance will they return to the familiar?
the flux of improvement and decline from the general norm?

the skeletons will always be there
the monkey on your back
the crawling darkness creeping in your mind
filling every crack..
consuming.
corrupting.
conspiring.
conquering.
can you resist?
bringing the beginning to the end...

can you believe EVERYTHING you see?

-Del

Essence of Life...

what is it for you?
what makes you feel alive,
that your life is worth living?
for me its music and love.
and looking around me sometimes
i think about the times when you know..
life was that much more simple.
in the absence of all these confusing matters
in the absence of the layer after layer of confusion
the drowning under overwhelming expectations and deadlines
each one adding to the pile of unbelievable
indescribable feeling of endlessness
that the day after day continuum
there seems to be a never ending pile of work
and that the time count by days
was oh so recent became so far away
that the last time i expressed my thoughts
in this free mind dumping land of cyber space
was but only the end of last month
and look its midway into the next already...
whilst to me i thought it had been near to two months

and amazingly...
its only the third week in to being back to uni
*sigh*
and in the very near next few weeks
i can already forsee much stress in times to come..

though throughout all this
gradually, inch by inch
i can sometimes feel myself age
not that you intentionally think about it
but when the mind n body is let loose
just to walk slowly home
or just stopping for a rest
and i can just see
the slight feelings sometimes
of the stretch n strains of each day
taking their toll continually
and funny that..
with the hols having just past
im already wishing for a break to refresh
and to renergise

sometimes. as with social situations
i sorta mentally cringe with some new confrontations
its as if internally i sigh
slowly reaching for that social mask all over again
reaching down to grab that smile again
plaster it on my face
n just sit through it all over again
another sea of unfamiliar faces
or for those i think i know too well
or that i feel to casual with
maybe somethings are really better left unsaid
or maybe if it were possible to take some actions back
or to eat some words that had slipped the tongue

i like shredders...
they got one recently at work..
its so cool.. its like feeding a bulldog your hw :P

mm i think i'll end it here
nite nite
-Del

What of It? Insignificance....

holidays!!
but... half of its is gone already
four weeks is down to two
with exam results around the corner
and so far. its been a total whirlwind...
i have no idea where all the time's gone to

but i was thinking you see..
well just as of late
about many many things
which i cannot remember in the next 5 mins
my memory is shortening once again
and im just hoping that its a result
of lack of proper sleep pattern
and that very soon my already minimal brain capacity
will return to me

===============================================

ok. make that one week left of hols

can some one please tell me where my holiday went?
i seemed to have pretty much lost it..
it ran away from me too quickly
too quick for me to grasp

===============================================

As the rain comes down
in drops, buckets, cats and dogs
under the covesr of my warm warm bed
i realise the time that has gone...
yet another round

Whether by defined segmented calendar seasons
or the cycling continuum of weather
it jsut keeps passing...
time after time

Here i am as i reflect
with nature's symphony playing outside my window
the rain falling upon whatever's beneath it
the clanging on the roofs
the rushing across the gutters
the wind singing its own tune

=============================================

well that was me some late nite
reading back on that off my fone
when i had typed it as a random note
what had seemed like a beautiful picture then
to me now sounds like crappy attempt
something that is completely laughable

its always when you turn back
to take a step and reflect
and you realise how silly one thing was
or how ridiculous things once seemed
something that was so meaningful
or serious at that time
is not worth a glance right in this moment
as it becomes yet another insignificance

my inspiration comes and goes
and i guess my muse leaves me
when i drown my sorrows in tetris
*sigh*
good night
-Del

Existing In Ignorance Gives Bliss?

Years ago,
i remember writing about this.
wow. i can barely believe its been years.
but that it has.
this topic does come up often indeed
tho.. dont we all want to be happy?
but in the very end does happy equate to bliss?

time passes
and a big question would be
would be whether or not
you ever awake from this ignorance?
like being silly is smart
and being smart is silly
the same applies to ignorance
those ignorant claim to be wise
and those wise claim to be ignorant
tho not in those exact works mind you.
so it makese sense.
but what happens after this awakening?
as people grow
they learn and change
we are dynamic
and with every moment
we realise something else
do we not regret?
for the time wasted
or the time not truly cherished

does it therefore mean that
to some that regret is inevitible?
is it ever possible to live life
to the extent that you'll never regret?
for every moment you could reflect
in our greediness
we can think of ever moment we could have better spent
for the people we could have cherished
the time we could have better used

and looking at myself
and all the words here
i do realise that yeah
i am of pretty much all words and no action
or...
there may be things behind what i see..
or beyond what anyone could see
it seems as if it were a nett zero action
but all things need time

uh...
headachey

nite then
-Del

I Feel...?

I feel...?

previously writing a post on emot-icons..
but.. deleted it coz it was only 3 lines long
of which each line is about 3-5 words so yeah
i couldnt remember it anymore

however...
seeing it reminded me of a website my friend showed me.

www.wefeelfine.org

an online study which gathers information from blogs globally
and categorises them into the weather, gender, age group and how they feel at that moment

just reminds you that once again.. you're not alone, no?

==================================

Looking at the title,
i thought. why not finish and publish anyways?
the title pretty much summarises me atm.
sometimes (like right now)
as much as you'd like to express something
just nothing comes
no rambles
no sentences
no words
no sounds
nothing.

and to describe it? even harder.
its like a moving emptiness
but does that make sense?
how could there be movement in the absence of presence?
to waiver and to sway
but to feel just as hollow
the boundaries maybe?

smooth white lines in the darkness
swaying in their enchanted dance
slowly curving and meandering
like the waters of a creek
making their way through
but where are they going?
not up but down...
down down down
as if there is no end
like there is no cut off

so is there another dark screen?
one which blocks my view?
or is it my view that narrows my sight?

its as if i want to peer forwards in time
through the continuum but..
no not now. i dont want to lose my current time
dont go.
not yet.
i havent stopped to take in this moment
why rush? i need this time.
but to the future i'm scared.
don't we all fear the unknown?

i should be doing this
for that i'm sure
i should be studying
but i feel...
i feel..
i feel as tho its too far away to stress over
that it should never come
but every morning
i wake in shock.
trying to figure which day it is
if my day's gone by
if ive missed the chance
ive said before my days bleed in
one goes on to antoher
like flashes in a dream

hmm..
so shall it be back to study?
-Del

tissue for your issue...?

problems
everyone has their own
from the major issues to the minor glitch

Just a moment... Forevermore

Hanging by every moment
holding my own breath
waiting for your next.

how could i've known
that we're all living on borrowed time?

for everything that i dont know
for everything that we cant see
for all the expectations that we carry
could we not live away from secrecy?

i dont understand.
tell me.
you're not answering my question
listen to me.
dont ignore me.
see me.

content?
satisfied.
anger?
frustration.
hunger?
need.
confusion?
diplacement.

paint me a picture
show me the world.
dont deviate.
dont reason.
dont see.
dont understand.
dont sympathise.
dont assume.
dont dont dont

the merry fiddler
playing away
watching the summer's end
but what is it for?
what did you do?
you followed your path
you battled the winds
but the final destination cannot change.

in my mind
the player's tune
runs forevermore
you sang me your song
played every note true
but did i hear the prelude?
never a question
never a word
not a clap or coin
did i do for you...

an image
an illustration
a snapshot of livid life
this exists for years on years
and this is your footprint
on the hearts of your loved
and lives that you've touched

never the same
nevermore
and now the regret lingers
for all i could have done
if only i had known
but why change in the last hours
the reason i see
would not be for the occurence
why treat anything different otherwise?

i want you back here with me
but for what its worth
you're in a better place
where pain can no longer reach
i miss you
i wanna hold you
i treasure you in my heart

forevermore.

Comprehension... Can You Read Betwen The Lines?

To identfy.
To comprehend.
To completely understand.

is it that anyone can understand?
through everything
the communcation of painted concepts
between one to another.
mmm i love writing these posts
when i end up getting the time to
but lately.. the first few lines
sorta seem similar styled
but bah.. whatever

but to shape a meaning
or to carve a concept
could the product really match up
or even compare to the initial intent?
sometimes...
it would seem that its all up to the creator to know
but is the image portrayed whole nother story?
the interpretation of any expression
is altered by the inference
the placing of boundaries around a meaning
to fit it into your own bubble world
by placing your own boundaries
you create your own inference
but is it still the same?
has it taken on a whole other form?
for abstract to some
is completely dependantly concrete to others

so could meaning be lost?
the exclusion of detail
or inclusion of excess sidechains
the net total can obviously change
you cant always see what you've made by hand
for the perspective is different
and thus we study the background of artists
in literature and the arts
to gain a wider possible scope
but even assuming another's position
the unimaginable to your own circumstance
wont arise due to your own limiting mindset

for what you cannot see primarily
you'll have to seek through secondary sources
but at the same time
the account of any piece of information
can still be tainted
to find a truth takes a long time
time consumed you wonder if it could be better spent
but in the questioning
yet again time slips through your hands
it stops for none

so here i write
a fiction of my own
a signal from my mind
taking its own form in my words
the weaving of strands together
winding and turning
slowly binding and streaming through my fingers
to the screen transmitted by the keyboard
and the electric impulses.. change from the constant
delivering a word letter by letter
from each action collaborating to form something

something that may mean nothing to some
but every value to another
the vocalisation or written expression
could it be enough?
but where to start?
is it but inconsiderate?
can there be any guidance?
but to follow?
what will that lead to ?
to choose a path
the phrasing can either be
aidful or just down dragging
to place one against another
does it get you anywhere just to
converse alone?
the results would be close to what you expect
but that reality cannot always be
but then the chance is always there for it to arise
for all the luck in the world your dreams come true

so optimist or pessimist?
which shall it be?
the realist says it can be either way
but you will never know
not unless you see
and to see?
to see would be to know
to have been before and the past?
it is irretreivable
so how can it be what there is to know?
to make a choice now
it is affected by your past
and what your past says
forms a habit a habit by which you
either change through learning
or you continue onwards

onwards marching brave soldier
this is all i say
for what i write is what i think
think of the now my moment right here
this second that is gone
just like any other..
irretrievable to me and you
you.. the yous of the world
the world of my bubble and yet
the world that connects us all

this is what this is for isnt it?
the crap that spews out of my mind
anything... from that that i dont mean
what i am restricted from saying and doing
to that of which i feel
but can you really distinguish which is of which?
you think you may..
and yet you may not
the doubt you have
may just be correct, spot on
but then again.. it is but a doubt
a doubt which may infact be what it exists for..
a falsality

mm dear bloggie
i miss writing here so
where things i string together
link together
thinkn together
are placed aside
correspondingly or adjacently
forming a 180 or 360
completely opposing or supporting
running from circle to circle
or could that be a square..
some quadrangle or something
that is completely unidentifiable
but a shape is a shape
it is stil labelled for we like
to name, to classify, to place in order

if all is closed and accounted for
then tell me..
where else would the spontaneity come from?
in the disarray
the change and adaptation
to run from one place to another
the world spins again
the way you want it
time after time
but to expect for it to do so
you habitualise
you deem when it is to be so
the chaos brings out options
well for me this is so
my indecision leaves for options
and at the same time

it has its pitfalls
the confusion and insecurity
of possibilities of things falling through
but is that not what change is for?
to open you a window when the door closes in your face?
a plan is a plan
but not everythign follows
for those living in the uncertainty
what use is there for them?
when hope after hope comes crashing down
what can you do about your expectations?
how can you expect the unexpected
if what you expect is bound within those walls?
the view that is limited
means you reject what may come

but structured can be good
it leads to a life of certainty
or so it should
but it can also bring the risk
of empty promises
what is the use of promising
that which can never take form?
the possibility cannot ensure the definate
and when you question?
the question can only either
be answered or avoided
or even somewhere in between
but the reason?
sometimes it will forever remain the same

and 'forever' it can be but a belief
for each time you step forward
and are knocked back
the sight for a brigher future
for difference of an ending
becomes dimmed and tainted
the patience put in
it begins to fray
the frustration that remains
can it leave or be purged?
can things just flutter away?
or flutter-by?
:P

and an image?
an image of what?
the image of the self?
that one places on both themselves
and the world around them
but there's not only your own
that of those around you
to want to fit in and belong
that is natural
but at the same time
it forms a constriction
what is expected
and in the society of ours?
where individualism is promoted?
a place where even in primary school
we are shown our differences
our own uniqueness where we are asked our interests
a task i strongly detested
a time where you must fit in by being individual
it was not ok to be nothing
where you dont understand you arent individual
where you have no preference.. that is not natural
but how is there to be a preference
when there was no exposure at all?
is it not ok not to express an interest?
how can it be so
that one has an interest in something
that they do not themselves know exists?
you can apply the teaching to the majority
but the individual may not always understand

you think that all are the norm
and talk to those with disregard to what they had or were
but in the knowledge of their background
suddenly topics become so sensitive
no disrespect is meant
but in the same place
the avoidance of an issue
brings about no direct addressing of the topic

like the talk of the lonely child in school
the one where the parents are too busy
to pick them up on time
and in any discussion of childhood uprearing
child negligence is a bad thing
but then in the knowledge of it happening to
a single participant within the discussion
despite the pain felt
sometimes it seems to have become the unspeakable
that pain caused in the past brought up again
should be a big no
that it is suddenly a sensitive issue
well that it is
but does there seem to be a need for restriction of talk?
mm yes and no
it all digs down to the communication between the people
it is always dependant
on both the approach and the structure of words

so what i say.
is it truly what i think?
i take a side
but it travels on its own
a mini journey each time i open up
mentally once again i travel
exploring the flow of words
the thoughts that come to me
for that moment in time
recorded down

mmm
damn its late
nite nite
*hugs*

Purging of the Soul

To clean..
To clear..
To rid..
To purge..

but does anything really leave you?
can anything ever leave you?
they say time heals
sometimes i really believe it
and yet other times you really question it
but to rid or to purge
something must have been there
in the first place..
to rid would accept an existence
a presence of something
to be dusted away
something to be eliminated
to end something
just for some closure

and for the surface tension..
the separation of either side
but with the fluidity...
that somethigns may pass
and yet with selectivity
not all goes just as well
not all digests and passes just the same

its like going through some filter.
where some things may be left
and others continue to pass
or that things are all stuck
and then it loses its use
or that the filter has no use
and there you go..
everything continues without hindrance

Deleting messages
why does it feel so liberating?
it sorta brings about a good feeling
or.. sometimes no feeling at all
with the mass amount of spam lately
there's been plenty to kill

mmm
bout time to end this one..
its been sitting around for too long
so there you go.
time to start a new one..
*hugs*

And My World Resumes Spinning......... Uni-fy!

mm feb's nearly over..
what with it being a leap year this year
its a whole extra day but bleh.
looking forward to uni and everything
falling just back into place
just the way they were last year

=========================================

and yet so i thought...
time can always bring new things
and at the same time
history repeats itself

=========================================

yep..
so nearly a month has passed
since uni started again

==========================================

mhmm...
shall nearly be going into week 6 of uni
and what have i got blogwise to show for it?
the above lines...
not much basically
just scrap words..
which dont really form a post
but yep..
despite differences
once again.. yep like the title says
'my world resumes spinning'
things seem to be going right again
well.. 'right' isnt really teh correct term..
more of.. more like they were
study sessions are back.. in the bio library
falling behind in readings..
and waking up early to make up for finishing touches on assigns..
hmm more of FINISHING the assigns..
but yeah..
and well today...
daylights turned back..
and suddenly.. all these major changes
they just dont seem to phase me much..
im not sitting there..
complaining about how..
'omg have to readjust all over again'
it just happened and meh

just like last year..
never before have i walked in the rain without a grumble
and yet...
i managed the feat
and walked all the way to a bus stop
then from the city all the way up william st
in the rain
without any cover.. just due to lack of umbrella
i just let it pour on me
and i dunno.. its either i hit a point
where i didnt care enough to complain
or i just accepted that
yeah i had to take this shit from the rain

but on the same time
ive lost my patience with other things
what were once tolerable..
just dont seem the same anymore
they get slightly aggrevating
they itch and annoy
mmm

i think i'll leave it now
i dont have a topic
and its just wasting time
ive forgotten..
or possibly forgiven what irritated..
nite nite

*hugs*