well according to the title..
its left till the holidays...
which really means more study..
if i can get myself to do it..
i really feel like saying something..
and really i did indeed have something
that i was gonna write for this post..
but i guess i sorta forgot it..
as per usual..
you know..
think ill jus go for a typical day/week post..
and see how things turn out..
had the chem test..
the geog..
and lit oral..
(the presentation actually happend this week on mon)
and the lit long essay..
all the tests sorta turned out ok..
the lit long essay..
i started last nite..
and was due today..
i slept at 12 last nite..
and woke up at 5 am this morning..
to get it done..
FINALLY finished and handed in..
i felt so ELATED!!
like there was this great sense of acheivement..
over a simple LONG essay..
i cant believe how much i missed the feeling..
of being at least slighly carefree...
but then..
as day went on..
back to the drop again..
like it feels like theres no reason for anything.
i dont feel sad..
but i dun feel happy either..
yeah i got in the 80's for my chem test..
i was happy bout that for like 2 mins..
then that disappeared as well..
the av for our class was in the 60's..
yeah..
and a whole list of test coming up next week..
><
ah whole set of consecutive test days...
ah well
at least they're not all on mon ^^
why is it..
that i find that i can talk easily to some..
and sometimes there just seems to be such a gap between others...
and seriously..
even in lunch today..
i was sitting there..
all that happend was a whole series of diff small convos..
and i joined in like a bit..
but i jus felt so detached...
why do i feel this way?
ok i guess i do have to admit..
i dont find it as easy talking bout things to some ppl..
and for some ppl..
i cant even have a decent convo without an argument *cough*
but im not like that all the time..
and like..
why cant i talk..
i dont sorta say i dont trust them..
but i just dont talk to em..
like its just this gap..
i sorta cant really relate to em..
even if i did talk to some of them when
they first started sitting with us
why...??
*sigh*
isnt it amazing the ability to exclude??
but what can you say?
there will always be ppl..
who you find..
that theres like this gut feeling
that you cant talk openly to
or like you jsut cant connect with em as well
and i dont want this..
but i cant help it..
i can..
ive tried..
sometimes.. if im with one single person..
its seems possible to bridge the gap..
but with too many..
it seems like too many to deal with...
ah well..
im lacking sleep and well..
its gettin late and i have chinese tomoz
nite nite
*hugz*
Friday, March 31, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
3rd post in one day... WOW !!! O.o
Hmm..
on a total blogging roll today...
or blogging spree..
but i guess it gives me a voice...
you know..
reflecting on today...
and some days of last week..
i really pity those..
who are so low in self esteem..
and are so insecure of themselves..
that they need to put ppl down in some way
in order to make themselves feel slightly better..
*for once not relating to sister*
like how low MUST you be..?
that you feel the URGE to bitch...
and judge..?
lol
and yet..
i myself am judging just on this fact..
yeah scar.. its true..
everyone bitches..
whether it its more open in public in comparison to private..
i wouldnt know..
tho obviously there's tends towards the continual backstabbing...
hmm..
i guess i sorta lost track of what the hell i was on bout..
sorta just lost the point..
of what i was talkin bout...
anyways..
nite nite
*hugz*
(in much better state than i was at the start of the evening)
on a total blogging roll today...
or blogging spree..
but i guess it gives me a voice...
you know..
reflecting on today...
and some days of last week..
i really pity those..
who are so low in self esteem..
and are so insecure of themselves..
that they need to put ppl down in some way
in order to make themselves feel slightly better..
*for once not relating to sister*
like how low MUST you be..?
that you feel the URGE to bitch...
and judge..?
lol
and yet..
i myself am judging just on this fact..
yeah scar.. its true..
everyone bitches..
whether it its more open in public in comparison to private..
i wouldnt know..
tho obviously there's tends towards the continual backstabbing...
hmm..
i guess i sorta lost track of what the hell i was on bout..
sorta just lost the point..
of what i was talkin bout...
anyways..
nite nite
*hugz*
(in much better state than i was at the start of the evening)
Emotional Survey..
Hmm.. found this quite appropriate..
Survey I stole off Kura's blog who stole it off Al's blog
EMOTION SURVEY
1. what do you do when you're really mad?
Keep it in usually..
if not.. then vent in some way or the other..
but usually keep it in.. goes away soon enough
2. what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Can't really remember..
tho i think i threw a hissyfit at my sister sometime last yr..
and scared teh shit out of her ^^"
3. ever hurt someone verbally when you're mad?
my sister when i threw that pissed of agro fit?
4. ever hurt someone physically when you're mad?
not anything that caused any extreme bodily harm ^^"
tho really i rarely take things out on ppl..
unless they seriously deserve it..
or im jus prejudiced *cough*
5. do you curse when you're mad?
at times.. not always...
Crying Section
1. last time you cried your heart out?
sometime last yr most likely..
2. ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yeah it happens..
3. ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
Nope.. when i really get that emotional..
usually not really anyone round for a shoulder to cry on..
4. ever cry when you get an injury?
Yeah when i was lil...
5. do certain songs make you cry?
Definately some songs definately evoke V strong emotions..
some songs can make me cry..
but really depends on the memories linked to the song
AND the emotional stability at that time..
Pain Section
1. what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?
Something that happened recently..
of which some ppl know of..
and seriously im scared..
its such a small thing..
its not entirely my fault but then again..
theres that whole guilt..
where yes i contributed to it..
WHY should i have to care?
i dont understand..
thats the real confusion..
the self-centred side says why should i fucking give a bloody damn...
but then sympathetical side just bloody feels guilt.
that its ALL my fault but its NOT entirely my fault
AGGGHHH BLOODY PROBLEM ISSUE THAT FUCKING BUGS ME
and if you do know bout this issue..
and wanna comment..
plz request just to email me..
and not cast it into the open..
i dont want to go thru explainations over it and dig it all up
2. how depressed can you get?
quite a lot..
put in the right surroundings guilt and being alone
can drive the mind into hard thinkign depression
-.-"
damn..
*must think happy thoughts.. think happy thoughts*
Happy Section
1. are you normally a happy person?
Yeah sure..
a few yrs back..
minus the complaints..
wasnt that long ago ^^"
but genuinely..
i can be happy..
just when i can cast aside the imperfections of life..
and concentrate on the present
2. what can make you happy?
Just being around ppl in general...
well that is..
being round ppl i know well
and just having a general talk is all i need ^^
3. do you wish you were happier?
Well being happier really depends on ure self doesnt it?
so in general..
wishing can come true..
Just have to put in the effort..
so i think you should rephrase the q and be
"do you WANT to be happier?"
yeah i'd like to be..
jus need to out and bout bit more..
and ill be happy as larry..
how ever happy that is :S
4. what about being with your friends makes you happy?
DEFINATLEY !!
Love Section
1. have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them?
Not likely.. not atm at least..
and coming from an attitude that says..
i dun need boyfriends..
highly unlikely
2. what happend to number two! ? ! XD
huh? what type of q is this?
3.have you loved someone so much,it made you cry?
not quite sure bout this q..
doesnt really make sense to me..
4.has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?
Nope...
Hate Section
1. have you ever been on a hate list?
could be.. no idea really..
and i doubt anyone other than elle has admitted to me they HAVE a hate list
2. have you ever hated any one that broke your heart?
Truthfully...
i have liked and possibly loved but no one has broken my heart..
well maybe my sister :P
Self-Esteem Section
1. is your self-esteem extremely low?
not extremely.. but it has its downward dips..
2.do you believe in yourself?
not really.. sorta lacking in the motivation dept..
3.when people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny you are?
i dunno..
really depends who says it..
like i said before..
strangely i can accept such a compliment from an elderly person..
but not from anyone else really..
like ppl my mum's age may say it..
and i just say thanx...
but my peers say it and i totally deny.. :S
4. are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat?
no i dun think im TOTALLY ugly dumb and fat..
but im still imperfect..
i still manage to do completely STUPID things..
and i am slightly on the chubby side :P
5. ever wanted to kill yourself cuz you thought you weren't good enough?
how can you ever be good enough for anything?
i mean this world is filled with imperfections..
so why should you ureself be a discount and be utterly perfect???
its impossible..
and seriously
i hate those simple cowards who turn to death..
as a simple outlet..
there are ppl out there dying everyday..
wishing they had just one more day of their life..
where as there many teens jus committing suicide..
not taking a slight thought to the value of their own life..
where later on in their life they could make a change in the world..
and if not..
it would just be brave to go on in consideration of their loved ones..
just to strive on for the sake of their loved ones..
and yeah you can argue they may not have any loved ones
who care for em any more..
but is it still not being a cowardice..
just the fact taht they dotn have anyone who loves them..
arent they still taking a cowardice route..
escaping in the easiest way they think possible?
6.are you happy with who you are?
-no comment- in general..
tho i thank god and my parents for everything i have ^^
who i am..
i really am yet to decide if im happy over..
Survey I stole off Kura's blog who stole it off Al's blog
EMOTION SURVEY
1. what do you do when you're really mad?
Keep it in usually..
if not.. then vent in some way or the other..
but usually keep it in.. goes away soon enough
2. what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Can't really remember..
tho i think i threw a hissyfit at my sister sometime last yr..
and scared teh shit out of her ^^"
3. ever hurt someone verbally when you're mad?
my sister when i threw that pissed of agro fit?
4. ever hurt someone physically when you're mad?
not anything that caused any extreme bodily harm ^^"
tho really i rarely take things out on ppl..
unless they seriously deserve it..
or im jus prejudiced *cough*
5. do you curse when you're mad?
at times.. not always...
Crying Section
1. last time you cried your heart out?
sometime last yr most likely..
2. ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yeah it happens..
3. ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
Nope.. when i really get that emotional..
usually not really anyone round for a shoulder to cry on..
4. ever cry when you get an injury?
Yeah when i was lil...
5. do certain songs make you cry?
Definately some songs definately evoke V strong emotions..
some songs can make me cry..
but really depends on the memories linked to the song
AND the emotional stability at that time..
Pain Section
1. what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?
Something that happened recently..
of which some ppl know of..
and seriously im scared..
its such a small thing..
its not entirely my fault but then again..
theres that whole guilt..
where yes i contributed to it..
WHY should i have to care?
i dont understand..
thats the real confusion..
the self-centred side says why should i fucking give a bloody damn...
but then sympathetical side just bloody feels guilt.
that its ALL my fault but its NOT entirely my fault
AGGGHHH BLOODY PROBLEM ISSUE THAT FUCKING BUGS ME
and if you do know bout this issue..
and wanna comment..
plz request just to email me..
and not cast it into the open..
i dont want to go thru explainations over it and dig it all up
2. how depressed can you get?
quite a lot..
put in the right surroundings guilt and being alone
can drive the mind into hard thinkign depression
-.-"
damn..
*must think happy thoughts.. think happy thoughts*
Happy Section
1. are you normally a happy person?
Yeah sure..
a few yrs back..
minus the complaints..
wasnt that long ago ^^"
but genuinely..
i can be happy..
just when i can cast aside the imperfections of life..
and concentrate on the present
2. what can make you happy?
Just being around ppl in general...
well that is..
being round ppl i know well
and just having a general talk is all i need ^^
3. do you wish you were happier?
Well being happier really depends on ure self doesnt it?
so in general..
wishing can come true..
Just have to put in the effort..
so i think you should rephrase the q and be
"do you WANT to be happier?"
yeah i'd like to be..
jus need to out and bout bit more..
and ill be happy as larry..
how ever happy that is :S
4. what about being with your friends makes you happy?
DEFINATLEY !!
Love Section
1. have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them?
Not likely.. not atm at least..
and coming from an attitude that says..
i dun need boyfriends..
highly unlikely
2. what happend to number two! ? ! XD
huh? what type of q is this?
3.have you loved someone so much,it made you cry?
not quite sure bout this q..
doesnt really make sense to me..
4.has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?
Nope...
Hate Section
1. have you ever been on a hate list?
could be.. no idea really..
and i doubt anyone other than elle has admitted to me they HAVE a hate list
2. have you ever hated any one that broke your heart?
Truthfully...
i have liked and possibly loved but no one has broken my heart..
well maybe my sister :P
Self-Esteem Section
1. is your self-esteem extremely low?
not extremely.. but it has its downward dips..
2.do you believe in yourself?
not really.. sorta lacking in the motivation dept..
3.when people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny you are?
i dunno..
really depends who says it..
like i said before..
strangely i can accept such a compliment from an elderly person..
but not from anyone else really..
like ppl my mum's age may say it..
and i just say thanx...
but my peers say it and i totally deny.. :S
4. are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat?
no i dun think im TOTALLY ugly dumb and fat..
but im still imperfect..
i still manage to do completely STUPID things..
and i am slightly on the chubby side :P
5. ever wanted to kill yourself cuz you thought you weren't good enough?
how can you ever be good enough for anything?
i mean this world is filled with imperfections..
so why should you ureself be a discount and be utterly perfect???
its impossible..
and seriously
i hate those simple cowards who turn to death..
as a simple outlet..
there are ppl out there dying everyday..
wishing they had just one more day of their life..
where as there many teens jus committing suicide..
not taking a slight thought to the value of their own life..
where later on in their life they could make a change in the world..
and if not..
it would just be brave to go on in consideration of their loved ones..
just to strive on for the sake of their loved ones..
and yeah you can argue they may not have any loved ones
who care for em any more..
but is it still not being a cowardice..
just the fact taht they dotn have anyone who loves them..
arent they still taking a cowardice route..
escaping in the easiest way they think possible?
6.are you happy with who you are?
-no comment- in general..
tho i thank god and my parents for everything i have ^^
who i am..
i really am yet to decide if im happy over..
Emotional Weekend..
GOD...
what is up with me..?
im going from crappy to being closed to f***** up..
with total random fluctuations of crappy moods..
to nearing happy to crappily ALL OVER AGAIN...
WARNING..
emotional out burst session..
does not neseccarily mean ill be in the same mood by the end..
hopefully all this ends up with me finishing happy :D
and back to crappy hw..
and for any **** if you really choose to..
in ure reading insert a vulgar term you know of..
may be more fun for your reading or wahtever..
i dont bloody give a damn..
now where to ...... start...
my main point?
im going bloody insane at home..
on the upside i spent practically the whole w/e
playing mahjong..
on the down side im practically going insane..
i reapeat insane...!!
there is absolutely NO one to talk to..
yeah there's msn.
yeah there's the fone..
but its not the bloody same..
STILL trapped in the same bloody surroundings..
OH and the fucking fact that
i COMPLETELY HATE talking on the FUCKING fone..
HMM..
and my bloody shitty sister..
my great crappy good-ness..
dont you bloody get the fact that
yes i take what you bloody say to heart?
and seriously it HURTS like F-ing hell when you say things?
yeah i like to hear the truth..
yeah i prefer honesty..
but sometimes..
you dont bloody understand do you???
couse you dont..
your so much younger..
so god forsakenly arrogant and selfcentred.
dont even bloody to take into account what you do actually say
it FING cuts some times
oh and the bloody fact that ..
SINCE YOUR my bloody sister..
that you dont seem to be able to get into your head..
that what you say
PPL TEND TO TAKE SERIOUSLY
why?
coz ure my bloody sister..
some ppl dont take into the account the fact that ure joking ...
coz of the fact that ure a KID
and the fact taht ure my sister..
they bloody fuking believe it..
oh waht else???
hmm.. NOT every BLOODY SIDE of me that you see.
IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF ME..
what do you want me to do?
completly turn???
i have my limits to..
everyone has em..
and there is a certain degree of everything ppl can take..
and take at a certain amount of time..
just coz i dun do this at home..
jus coz i dont do that..
just coz YOU dont seem or hear me doing something.
does not mean that i may or may not do or say it..
god damnit!!
why is it that everyone seems to bind some kind of bloody FUCKING
ideal to every bloody person????
i mean i openly admit i have quite a few fucking sides..
and really
i know some others who have confided in me
that they themselves have more than one side..
now why cant everyone i bloody know accept that i DO
yes indeed i HAVE more than ONE FREAKING side..
i have EMOTIONS TOO!!!
i have the right to bloody react in whatever i choose like doing
i dont want to bloody fit the fucking constraints
of ideals you have of me coz thats only what you fucking see
and what of all the bloody *********** ********* and **********
who bloody stare..
what the bloody hell is wrong with you?
what is bloody wrong with me???
i walk past..
who bloody cares?
look at whatever you like..
but where the fuck is the need for total open staring?
i dont belong in some bloody zoo where ppl pay to come in
and openly stare and gasp at..
i aint trapped and confined to some bloody cage..
so leave me the well alone..
i wear what i choose so what the fuck is wrong with you?
this is a free country..
i wear what i like..
and really i dont bloody give a damn
if what i wear is totally out of fashion
and for the record..
i was NOT wearing anything skimpy..
just a simple tank top and jeans..
so what the hell is wrong?!?!
piss off and keep ure bloody eyes to ure self..
i really shouldnt be fucking aiming my vent at my sister..
but most of it is..
centred that way..
dont you bloody see that what you do really matters to me???
dont you bloody get the fucking stresses and pressures i get?
i seriously dont need shit from you as well!!
dont you bloody ppl see?
that yes..
it seems so much easier just to smile..
than to go thru anything and explain..
just as K's msn nick states???
and of everything..
how bloody easy it is just forget and ignore..
but still when you get home..
the problems will still rise..
if they are problems that seem to slightly come up at home
tho really they arent anything major..
totally minor..
yet why the hell do they bloody affect me like this?
yesterday..
i asked my mum...
if i could work out in the resto..
during the holz..
coz i was going insane at home..
and the only reply i got..
was ill talk to ure dad..
last nite..
was told by my dad
"you dont need friends
you should be concentrating on study
reaching the aims and goals.."
UGH..
i NEED OUT OF THE FUCKING HOUSE
the HOUSE is driving me insane..
ive been stuck in these bloody fucking walls for so bloody long..
the only settings i only bloody ever see is either school or home
and occasionally
if im lucky the shop or resto...
this literally is TOO MUCH
im SICK OF IT..
i NEED OUT-AGE..
oh..
and then
"if you need to talk to any one..
talk to mum or your sister..
im sure they'll listen"
hmm..
i dont mind but HELLO!!
mum nearly NEVER at home..
and my sister?
sometimes the bloody cause of things..
yeah great that talk that'll end up being...
PLUS the fact that even if i tell her anything?
she'll either twist it totally out of shape and broadcast it..
OR
broadcast it and use it as blackmail for something or the other..
yep..
my dad SO understands the conditions of how much i can talk to ppl..
on the question
WHY THE FCUKING hell am i writing this up?
getting bit too personal..
but *sigh*
i think ill leave it at this..
a part vent is better than none..
nite
what is up with me..?
im going from crappy to being closed to f***** up..
with total random fluctuations of crappy moods..
to nearing happy to crappily ALL OVER AGAIN...
WARNING..
emotional out burst session..
does not neseccarily mean ill be in the same mood by the end..
hopefully all this ends up with me finishing happy :D
and back to crappy hw..
and for any **** if you really choose to..
in ure reading insert a vulgar term you know of..
may be more fun for your reading or wahtever..
i dont bloody give a damn..
now where to ...... start...
my main point?
im going bloody insane at home..
on the upside i spent practically the whole w/e
playing mahjong..
on the down side im practically going insane..
i reapeat insane...!!
there is absolutely NO one to talk to..
yeah there's msn.
yeah there's the fone..
but its not the bloody same..
STILL trapped in the same bloody surroundings..
OH and the fucking fact that
i COMPLETELY HATE talking on the FUCKING fone..
HMM..
and my bloody shitty sister..
my great crappy good-ness..
dont you bloody get the fact that
yes i take what you bloody say to heart?
and seriously it HURTS like F-ing hell when you say things?
yeah i like to hear the truth..
yeah i prefer honesty..
but sometimes..
you dont bloody understand do you???
couse you dont..
your so much younger..
so god forsakenly arrogant and selfcentred.
dont even bloody to take into account what you do actually say
it FING cuts some times
oh and the bloody fact that ..
SINCE YOUR my bloody sister..
that you dont seem to be able to get into your head..
that what you say
PPL TEND TO TAKE SERIOUSLY
why?
coz ure my bloody sister..
some ppl dont take into the account the fact that ure joking ...
coz of the fact that ure a KID
and the fact taht ure my sister..
they bloody fuking believe it..
oh waht else???
hmm.. NOT every BLOODY SIDE of me that you see.
IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF ME..
what do you want me to do?
completly turn???
i have my limits to..
everyone has em..
and there is a certain degree of everything ppl can take..
and take at a certain amount of time..
just coz i dun do this at home..
jus coz i dont do that..
just coz YOU dont seem or hear me doing something.
does not mean that i may or may not do or say it..
god damnit!!
why is it that everyone seems to bind some kind of bloody FUCKING
ideal to every bloody person????
i mean i openly admit i have quite a few fucking sides..
and really
i know some others who have confided in me
that they themselves have more than one side..
now why cant everyone i bloody know accept that i DO
yes indeed i HAVE more than ONE FREAKING side..
i have EMOTIONS TOO!!!
i have the right to bloody react in whatever i choose like doing
i dont want to bloody fit the fucking constraints
of ideals you have of me coz thats only what you fucking see
and what of all the bloody *********** ********* and **********
who bloody stare..
what the bloody hell is wrong with you?
what is bloody wrong with me???
i walk past..
who bloody cares?
look at whatever you like..
but where the fuck is the need for total open staring?
i dont belong in some bloody zoo where ppl pay to come in
and openly stare and gasp at..
i aint trapped and confined to some bloody cage..
so leave me the well alone..
i wear what i choose so what the fuck is wrong with you?
this is a free country..
i wear what i like..
and really i dont bloody give a damn
if what i wear is totally out of fashion
and for the record..
i was NOT wearing anything skimpy..
just a simple tank top and jeans..
so what the hell is wrong?!?!
piss off and keep ure bloody eyes to ure self..
i really shouldnt be fucking aiming my vent at my sister..
but most of it is..
centred that way..
dont you bloody see that what you do really matters to me???
dont you bloody get the fucking stresses and pressures i get?
i seriously dont need shit from you as well!!
dont you bloody ppl see?
that yes..
it seems so much easier just to smile..
than to go thru anything and explain..
just as K's msn nick states???
and of everything..
how bloody easy it is just forget and ignore..
but still when you get home..
the problems will still rise..
if they are problems that seem to slightly come up at home
tho really they arent anything major..
totally minor..
yet why the hell do they bloody affect me like this?
yesterday..
i asked my mum...
if i could work out in the resto..
during the holz..
coz i was going insane at home..
and the only reply i got..
was ill talk to ure dad..
last nite..
was told by my dad
"you dont need friends
you should be concentrating on study
reaching the aims and goals.."
UGH..
i NEED OUT OF THE FUCKING HOUSE
the HOUSE is driving me insane..
ive been stuck in these bloody fucking walls for so bloody long..
the only settings i only bloody ever see is either school or home
and occasionally
if im lucky the shop or resto...
this literally is TOO MUCH
im SICK OF IT..
i NEED OUT-AGE..
oh..
and then
"if you need to talk to any one..
talk to mum or your sister..
im sure they'll listen"
hmm..
i dont mind but HELLO!!
mum nearly NEVER at home..
and my sister?
sometimes the bloody cause of things..
yeah great that talk that'll end up being...
PLUS the fact that even if i tell her anything?
she'll either twist it totally out of shape and broadcast it..
OR
broadcast it and use it as blackmail for something or the other..
yep..
my dad SO understands the conditions of how much i can talk to ppl..
on the question
WHY THE FCUKING hell am i writing this up?
getting bit too personal..
but *sigh*
i think ill leave it at this..
a part vent is better than none..
nite