Suffocating.

Breathe.
Just breathe.
Deep breath in.
And blow it out.
Let all that stress out.

But it just keeps bubbling and boiling.

'Why are you be stressing?
It's a day off, take your time
Enjoy yourself!'

!!!
Really? What really? I seriously must be dreaming, there's no way those words came out of her mouth.

They didn't.

I was dreaming afterall.
Afterall... Afterall...

After everything, still nothing,
Always plenty to do, plenty to think.
If you're not being productive its sinful.

I have it easy, oh how easy I have it.
No, no complaints, it's all self-inflicted.

Stop being ambitious. It would really, really, REALLY help.

But not driving myself would mean to be pushed towards elsewhere... And to be pushed where you don't want to go? You might as well pick a path and drag your legs in that direction.

But what I'm unsatisfied about myself is my inability to power on and follow through with my own choices. There's sort of a sudden loss of passion when it comes about to completing the tasks for each step of the staircase to the destination; an uphill journey.

And yet from my current stand point, all I seem to do is just to take out my binoculars and scan the mountainous range around me and dream of an alternate mountainous path I can strive for the following year.

What, oh, what am I doing to myself?

Ambition?
Ha!
More like procrastination and day dreaming.

So why is it that I'm holding my breath? Am I waiting for something?
Am I just lost?
Or am I just so far ahead of myself I've just gone and given myself altitude sickness?

Confused,

-Del

Personify!

What makes a person?
What makes them who they are?
When discussing people,
You can say you get this vibe from them
Or that you think that this person is a type of person. Like a cheery person.
You describe someone as cheery because they are happy people. But they won't always be happy all the time.
So then are they cheery-a-person?

All the words we describe people with are adjectives which are pretty much actions personified. Thus, what makes us, us? If the I that you think you know was made on a basis of observation of a person, does that make your judgement of them who they really are?
No, a cheery person is cheery because they express cheeriness because that is the way they feel, or choose to act based on an emotion or decision.

But that still doesn't answer why that person is like that, does it?
Or is it that you really, really know that person and their patterns/habits/preferences?
Because you've got to admit it, you can say that you THINK you know that person, but how can you know for certain that you know them?

Like in the case of high school shootings, an extreme example i know but you here the comments, 'who knew this would happen' or 'it took us all by surprise'.
But then again is it because they were social isolates that no one knew them well enough.

Or what of suicides, you just never know sometimes what people are going through internally, even if they live with you or socialize in the very same circles.

I believe no one really knows for certain, coz if you think about it, knowing about yourself is hard enough let alone anyone else?

So back to the patterns, do people have a prefererential mode of action or modus operandi? Do they have an ultimatum of an MO that fully allowed to act freely will choose the same path again and again?

What about defining yourself as you see fit you say? What about it? How would you describe yourself if you remove all possible influences that may sway your answer? I don't know about you, but I find it hard to describe myself without a relative situation.

As easily as you can describe yourself as a set of norms in a particular situation and then further elaborate that you are different in different situations hence unique, then what part of you is really unique?

Think about it, I'm sorry to break it to you, your aren't special. I always believed so, that i was unlike anyone else, that know one could really know me for who i am because they havent seen you in every possible situation.

This was obviously reinforced by the fact that my sister doesn't even fully understand me and she's been around me my whole life, nor my mother or father. Exasperation it is, really when they think they know you and put you in a box. Mind you I really have tried to fit in that box too, but occasionally there will be an overspill.

And the greatest pain is disappointment I guess that you aren't that easily allowed to be who you are, as much as you try to convince yourself so. But the retort to that is obviously that you can! You can do what you want! Disregard what they will think of you and be selfish, be you for yourself!

Oh those words, they sound so sweet. But, what is the point if it hurts the ones around, you're back to choosing who you are based on whether you could stand to hurt the ones you have concern for and where does that take you? A decision of who you are based on how you act, BASED on a SITUATION - situation being whether your choice will be approved.

And if it isn't an opposing situation? If you want to do it and it's approved? Well are you doing it cos it is approved? Do you enjoy the task at hand, or is it that you enjoy basking in the approval of a chosen decision?

There are a cultural set of expected norms that are known by the society of how one should act given any social situation. Mix this in with knowledge of such actions and a random situation that is given and you get uncertainty. Be a fact finder or impulse initiator, you either revert to your norms, seek advice or react in the first possible way known.

So when you ask someone why they did what they did n they replied that 'i don't know, it was instinct I guess' I begs you to question what are the sources of this 'instinct'? Is this instinct you? Or is it ingrained into everyone? Do you choose to act on instinct?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

Did I even at the start?

- Del

Absolutely... Divine

You know it may sound self centred but...
Sometimes I just can't help but feel like the world is out to get me. Have you had that before? I'm pretty sure it's bound to have occured in your mind at a time when just everything just isn't going right.

That, no matter what you do or how hard you try, it's not gonna work, or when you stop and think about what's happened in the day it's just been a series of unfortunate events. Mind you there's a huge scale as to what bad things that happen are.

Yesterday whilst I was walking, I nearly got run over... AGAIN! And once again no, I wasn't jay walking, I was walking on the FOOTPATH of a street, not crossing the road T.T just like the other time I got off a bus n nearly got hit by a car who's driver dozed off for a sec whilst I was waiting to cross the Stirling Hwy, yet I was on the footpath just standing and waiting to cross.

And you know what? The list of near road accidents doesn't end there, but I find it largely amusing that they all happen when I'm NOT jay walking :S Yet, the list of occurences goes on... Mind you I'm pretty sure that as you age the cases just rise linearly if not exponentially later in life.

Ok so I admit that shit happens, and it happens to everybody so it's not like I'm extra special or anything. Just that when you think about it, the number of times they've been potential occurences, that you've been lucky to miss it's so easy to believe that there is divine intervention. And if not that, is there something out there helping us? Guiding us?

Do you believe that there's a Creator? a Lord or God of our universe?or would it be spirits or souls of our loved ones always watching?

Or is it an enternal balancing scale? The balance in the circle of life? Is there a reason to life, whether we choose to do one thing or the other? is it that there's someone up there that favours some while not others; why some are blessed some not? (in the words of 'God Help the Outcasts' lol every time u tread this line the song just plays in my head... Ok then moving on...)

Or is it just retribution? That were here to make up for something, someone? Is this all a trial, a test or a second chance? Are we living in purgatory? Or are we repeating our actions, reliving our lives again and again until we've finally perfected it, a life without sin.

But is that even possible? To live a life without sin? Is that not how we're defined? That we are creatures of imperfection? Are we really forgiven for all our sins past, present and future? Does that undermine our free will if it's already known that we will and must be doomed to make mistakes? Does that not sound grim? That we are doomed to do wrong? So what is the motivation to do right if we know that we're gonna do wrong and have already been forgiven, that it was forseen anyways?

And what if we're reliving our lives repeatitively to achieve perfection? What then? Would there really be a meaning to life if we all lead the 'perfect' life? I guess that the assumption that everyone would be at various stages at attaining this, and that it was our duty to assist others to attain the same. But what if you did not help? Then would you not be reliving the exact same life repeatedly due to your own inadequacy, insufficiency of a kind, outreaching heart. What then would be the point of life? You would go through the motions of just repeating and completing the tasks of the previous life... And continue to do so whilst lacking theexact same quality. So how then would any improvement occur? Would this mean that our lives would be largely dependant on the lives around us to trigger responses which would be pivotal to our very existances.

Buy then what is the 'perfect' life? what needs to occur? What needs to be done? What needs to be acquired in order for us to fit the requirements?

I think I'll leave it there, for now.

This has been here for months, until next time.

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Silence in my mind

Hey,
So I haven't written lately.
I haven't written coz I was sad.
I lost a post that I couldn't remember how to rewrite, and there's no possible way of even getting close to recreating the words and emotions expressed on it; so I wasn't going to even try, any attempt would have been a pitiful mockery of a single moment in time that can't be retrieved.

You know I read an article recently about the freedom and options we have today...

And how with all these options that in order to feel like we achieve something, we jump from one task to another so quickly that we don't take the chance to put sufficient effort in and even less time on stopping to celebrate and reflect.

Without taking a break, disappointment mixes in as we keep hovering from one thing to another. It makes so much sense tho, personally I feel like it really applies. Pre-exam period I'm already signing up for things in the summer break, always jumping at opportunities. It's almost scary now tha I think of it; how much enjoyment and excitement I get from combing through classifieds for job openings and career opportunities when looking at the current, it's completely unfeasible. I'm completely disorganised and have next to no time of my own (unless I'm preoccupied with the Internet, the state of my room can atest to that).

But yes it's so true the amount of disappointment I have with my life from throwing my mind too far forward coz I'm not satsfied with the now.

But my question really is why do I keep doing so whilst at the same time complaining I need a good decent holiday rest? is it a fear of having nothing to do? Or that there's a sense of self insufficiency, that I need to catch up and get ahead whilst I still can?

There's so much I wanna do but I also shy away from. I know i'm great at being non-commital, often convincing myself out of doing things I really want to achieve. Is it the fear of commuting? Or that I'm always waiting for something bigger, a chance of a lifetime to shock my world into a worthy existence.

But where can I go if I don't put myself out there? There will be no open doors or windows to fly through if you don't even dare taking a peep of the outside, coz then when the opportunity is presented, would I take the plunge?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Afternoon Stroll

Hmm I haven't posted in days but after a day of work, I'm walking around and you know what I feel quite content.

I'm amazed since there hasn't been anything that exciting... Maybe it's the weather, it's not all gloomy n dark today.

But I was walking in the late arvo sun where shining through the gaps in trees the sun makes me feel like there's something magical in the world.

And I heard the laughter of kids
And then I saw there's these three siblings after school
Riding on their bikes happy as hell just riding in circles in the front yard that coulnt be more than 20sqm (yea that spot was absolutely miniscule)

And you know I wondered, how is it that they can be so happy and free about such a little thing? Or such a simple activity?

When for me, enjoying my free time must always involve at least one electronic device, whrther it be internet access, playing games, reading(yeah I read ebooks to save me going to the library when there's one less than 5 mins walk from my house) or watching a movie.
Yet it never seems to be enough... I'm just as wound up or irritated or sad as I was before.

Guess my pondering today is maybe it's time to go back to the basics? Maybe a good electronics n furniture famine may be good for my soul. Tho mind you apparently I've got internet addiction disorder :S

Ah wells that's it for now
*hugs* & love

-Del
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It's All in the Mind

You know I was thinking today about depression and the feeling depressed...

So what do I know about it?
It's a chronic disease which has high burden on society and on a person's quality of life.

It's prevalence globally is on the rise and you can get drugs that are supposed to help you manage it through changing your biochemical balance in the brain.

But we don't quite seem to know enough about how it comes about other than high stress levels and feelings.

I know I blame alot of it on PMS... But it's true I have huge mood swings.

I find it amusing... You don't really take things in until it truly hits you close to home. I was discussing with my collegues (ooo I feel so pro saying that... No it's just work colleagues) about how depression is largely affecting alot of her friends who are post menapausal and that it seems that pill popping of anti-depressants is a total norm.

She's very physically active, taking part in triathlons and such which means that it doesn't really affect her.

I had also recently read an article on how there is a lack of satisfaction in people in current society because of the conveniece of life. How without the struggle to attain a goal we become less appreciative of what we have.

A further idea is also that as humans, for the development of fine motor skills, a large proportion of our brain is dedicated to the hands and that this area is closely linked to the pleasure centre of the brain. As there is a decrease use of fine motor skills in everyday life, it is believed that we are less content.

So these are ideas that suggest as to why we may have lowered happiness levels. The time spent with family nowadays is highly decreased. Children too are growing up too fast in my own beliefs.

I feel so disgusted when I see the sexualisation of children in their primary school years even worse in children even younger. I feel so sad when I hear about the people who lose their first time when they're drunk, that they were dumped the day after or sleep around.

Not that I'm saying I'm mightier than thou or that shun them that they're not pure. I'm not saying that I deny the socially accepted norm but I feel a sense of pity. It's ok if to say you've done it and not regretted it but I say I feel sad and pity for those who do.

It's only going to be as special as you make it, just like eevery other thing in life. But the question is that since when did the brightness in life disappear; it just doesn't excite you as much as much as it did before.

Where did the sparkle just fade to? Is it that you don't appreciate it anymore? You take it for a given because that's the social norm and that every other person does it or have it too. And since it doesn't shine and that it's just going to be that way from now on... Are you just going to fall further?

Or is it expectations? Have you been framed and boxed into a particular way? That you can never meet their expectations or your very own? That you've tried but it keeps falling out.

The bare minimum you can keep up is that same mask. Everyday you put it on and for that moment it merges with your skin, it melts in, integrates and things get pushed back yet don't disappear... Yet it's a fine line that is being followed.

There are cracks and splits all the way through and at any moment, every personal nudge gives rise to more of the sadness pushed back to seep out. To just keep holding on it's another task in the daily schedule of things to do. Although you can totally immerse yourself in the things you enjoy, as soon as you surface it's as if nothing's changed.

There isn't much that can be done until the underlying issue is completely resolved and there is closure... However at the end of it all you can sit down and wonder what it was all for; those born into the great can seek for normalcy whilst the average try to aim for the great and we all end up trying to get what we don't have.

But what of those in the middle? Are they content to remain at that point?Are they even able to sustain the balance or end up slipping to the grips of either extreme?

For what is the balance we need to be the best we are; for ourselves, for our families, for our community?

What is it that we live for?
Self gratification?
Our duty?
Our morals?
Our faith?
Our love?
Our beauty?
Our youth?
Our dream?
Our fantasy?
Our collective whole?
Or is it that we live to exist?
To prove our existence and make a mark?
For what mark will there be without the legacy?
If there is none to pass it on there is nothing to pass on.

We exist because there is a future potential.
For without that, why would you live another day.
If there is no hope then there is no need to hold on because it can be so much easier to give up if the only other option has no meaning... And it is meaning that gives us a purpose to strive forward to the next moment.

You know I think I've found it again, that voice of mine inside my head. I welcome it as it fills my head as I type... The words that fill my mind and this moment in cyberspace(well more like my iPhone atm... no net available). This is my bloggie and this is my existence

*hugs* & love

-Del
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Long Time Mo See

Heellllllllooooo
hmmm my dear bloggie
it's been a while hasn't it
rather lately it's been a while nearly everytime :(

So why the sudden return?
Coz I miss theeeeeee
And well when I vent I think
So it's good for everyone right ?
Well cept for those who hear me grumble n moan in complaints then read it all again

So yes...
I got an iPhone so with the new app maybe you'll be hearing more from me.

I was thinking rather than continual splurges of text the minimal aim will be 3 best things of the day.

So here goes:
Good things about today?
-my group proposal and presentation is over
-I've found this app
-I woke up from a happy dream n actually for the first time in a while felt refreshed
-getting some exercise in
-walk with mum through uni grounds

Well that's it for now until I have better content for discussion

Random thought today:
Why is it that I dreamt of you to soothe my heavy heart?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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