Hey,
So I haven't written lately.
I haven't written coz I was sad.
I lost a post that I couldn't remember how to rewrite, and there's no possible way of even getting close to recreating the words and emotions expressed on it; so I wasn't going to even try, any attempt would have been a pitiful mockery of a single moment in time that can't be retrieved.

You know I read an article recently about the freedom and options we have today...

And how with all these options that in order to feel like we achieve something, we jump from one task to another so quickly that we don't take the chance to put sufficient effort in and even less time on stopping to celebrate and reflect.

Without taking a break, disappointment mixes in as we keep hovering from one thing to another. It makes so much sense tho, personally I feel like it really applies. Pre-exam period I'm already signing up for things in the summer break, always jumping at opportunities. It's almost scary now tha I think of it; how much enjoyment and excitement I get from combing through classifieds for job openings and career opportunities when looking at the current, it's completely unfeasible. I'm completely disorganised and have next to no time of my own (unless I'm preoccupied with the Internet, the state of my room can atest to that).

But yes it's so true the amount of disappointment I have with my life from throwing my mind too far forward coz I'm not satsfied with the now.

But my question really is why do I keep doing so whilst at the same time complaining I need a good decent holiday rest? is it a fear of having nothing to do? Or that there's a sense of self insufficiency, that I need to catch up and get ahead whilst I still can?

There's so much I wanna do but I also shy away from. I know i'm great at being non-commital, often convincing myself out of doing things I really want to achieve. Is it the fear of commuting? Or that I'm always waiting for something bigger, a chance of a lifetime to shock my world into a worthy existence.

But where can I go if I don't put myself out there? There will be no open doors or windows to fly through if you don't even dare taking a peep of the outside, coz then when the opportunity is presented, would I take the plunge?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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~ Del ~ updated @ 9:11:00 PM

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Hmm I haven't posted in days but after a day of work, I'm walking around and you know what I feel quite content.

I'm amazed since there hasn't been anything that exciting... Maybe it's the weather, it's not all gloomy n dark today.

But I was walking in the late arvo sun where shining through the gaps in trees the sun makes me feel like there's something magical in the world.

And I heard the laughter of kids
And then I saw there's these three siblings after school
Riding on their bikes happy as hell just riding in circles in the front yard that coulnt be more than 20sqm (yea that spot was absolutely miniscule)

And you know I wondered, how is it that they can be so happy and free about such a little thing? Or such a simple activity?

When for me, enjoying my free time must always involve at least one electronic device, whrther it be internet access, playing games, reading(yeah I read ebooks to save me going to the library when there's one less than 5 mins walk from my house) or watching a movie.
Yet it never seems to be enough... I'm just as wound up or irritated or sad as I was before.

Guess my pondering today is maybe it's time to go back to the basics? Maybe a good electronics n furniture famine may be good for my soul. Tho mind you apparently I've got internet addiction disorder :S

Ah wells that's it for now
*hugs* & love

-Del
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~ Del ~ updated @ 10:51:00 PM

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You know I was thinking today about depression and the feeling depressed...

So what do I know about it?
It's a chronic disease which has high burden on society and on a person's quality of life.

It's prevalence globally is on the rise and you can get drugs that are supposed to help you manage it through changing your biochemical balance in the brain.

But we don't quite seem to know enough about how it comes about other than high stress levels and feelings.

I know I blame alot of it on PMS... But it's true I have huge mood swings.

I find it amusing... You don't really take things in until it truly hits you close to home. I was discussing with my collegues (ooo I feel so pro saying that... No it's just work colleagues) about how depression is largely affecting alot of her friends who are post menapausal and that it seems that pill popping of anti-depressants is a total norm.

She's very physically active, taking part in triathlons and such which means that it doesn't really affect her.

I had also recently read an article on how there is a lack of satisfaction in people in current society because of the conveniece of life. How without the struggle to attain a goal we become less appreciative of what we have.

A further idea is also that as humans, for the development of fine motor skills, a large proportion of our brain is dedicated to the hands and that this area is closely linked to the pleasure centre of the brain. As there is a decrease use of fine motor skills in everyday life, it is believed that we are less content.

So these are ideas that suggest as to why we may have lowered happiness levels. The time spent with family nowadays is highly decreased. Children too are growing up too fast in my own beliefs.

I feel so disgusted when I see the sexualisation of children in their primary school years even worse in children even younger. I feel so sad when I hear about the people who lose their first time when they're drunk, that they were dumped the day after or sleep around.

Not that I'm saying I'm mightier than thou or that shun them that they're not pure. I'm not saying that I deny the socially accepted norm but I feel a sense of pity. It's ok if to say you've done it and not regretted it but I say I feel sad and pity for those who do.

It's only going to be as special as you make it, just like eevery other thing in life. But the question is that since when did the brightness in life disappear; it just doesn't excite you as much as much as it did before.

Where did the sparkle just fade to? Is it that you don't appreciate it anymore? You take it for a given because that's the social norm and that every other person does it or have it too. And since it doesn't shine and that it's just going to be that way from now on... Are you just going to fall further?

Or is it expectations? Have you been framed and boxed into a particular way? That you can never meet their expectations or your very own? That you've tried but it keeps falling out.

The bare minimum you can keep up is that same mask. Everyday you put it on and for that moment it merges with your skin, it melts in, integrates and things get pushed back yet don't disappear... Yet it's a fine line that is being followed.

There are cracks and splits all the way through and at any moment, every personal nudge gives rise to more of the sadness pushed back to seep out. To just keep holding on it's another task in the daily schedule of things to do. Although you can totally immerse yourself in the things you enjoy, as soon as you surface it's as if nothing's changed.

There isn't much that can be done until the underlying issue is completely resolved and there is closure... However at the end of it all you can sit down and wonder what it was all for; those born into the great can seek for normalcy whilst the average try to aim for the great and we all end up trying to get what we don't have.

But what of those in the middle? Are they content to remain at that point?Are they even able to sustain the balance or end up slipping to the grips of either extreme?

For what is the balance we need to be the best we are; for ourselves, for our families, for our community?

What is it that we live for?
Self gratification?
Our duty?
Our morals?
Our faith?
Our love?
Our beauty?
Our youth?
Our dream?
Our fantasy?
Our collective whole?
Or is it that we live to exist?
To prove our existence and make a mark?
For what mark will there be without the legacy?
If there is none to pass it on there is nothing to pass on.

We exist because there is a future potential.
For without that, why would you live another day.
If there is no hope then there is no need to hold on because it can be so much easier to give up if the only other option has no meaning... And it is meaning that gives us a purpose to strive forward to the next moment.

You know I think I've found it again, that voice of mine inside my head. I welcome it as it fills my head as I type... The words that fill my mind and this moment in cyberspace(well more like my iPhone atm... no net available). This is my bloggie and this is my existence

*hugs* & love

-Del
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~ Del ~ updated @ 9:21:00 PM

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Heellllllllooooo
hmmm my dear bloggie
it's been a while hasn't it
rather lately it's been a while nearly everytime :(

So why the sudden return?
Coz I miss theeeeeee
And well when I vent I think
So it's good for everyone right ?
Well cept for those who hear me grumble n moan in complaints then read it all again

So yes...
I got an iPhone so with the new app maybe you'll be hearing more from me.

I was thinking rather than continual splurges of text the minimal aim will be 3 best things of the day.

So here goes:
Good things about today?
-my group proposal and presentation is over
-I've found this app
-I woke up from a happy dream n actually for the first time in a while felt refreshed
-getting some exercise in
-walk with mum through uni grounds

Well that's it for now until I have better content for discussion

Random thought today:
Why is it that I dreamt of you to soothe my heavy heart?

*hugs* & love

-Del
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~ Del ~ updated @ 11:40:00 PM

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Its that time of the year..
and sorta a bad time to get back into blogging
but..
at the same time
the stress makes it so tempting
so maybe there will be a stream of posts for now??
well least i hope.

well
im not here to talk about
all the crap to do with exams
rather with exam study
and not to do with study for exams either

today we were supposedly studying..
but ended up later on in the night at skye's place
lina, mona n i just reading the Lucifer's Effectbook

and it raised the idea that...

To rid the world of evil,
you yourself must become evil

which really intrigued my thinking-ness

it also raised the question
whether or not its possible
to convert the world to a better place
through non-violent ways

that there are people out there
being nominated for nobel peace prizes.
but would only know about this
if i were to step outside of my bubble world
and to actually take an interest
and proactive approach to life finding out these things.

meanwhilst
does it not make sense that
by attempting to correct and prevent
'evils' from occuring
that we have to violate another's human rights

which brings about justice and non-maleficence

but. is that really 'fair'?
is capital punishment validated
that its an 'eye for an eye'
or that rather life time imprisonment
with rehabilitiation.
does that change anything?
will the person actually feel guilt
and understand that they were wrong?

its doubt....

i believe in life imprisonment
but to reintroduce someone
back into society.
it is a fear.

why?

because i do not know.
WE do not know..
what is in their mind.
what is in their heart

have they changed??
is the correctional facility effective
is reflective thinking what was going
through their mind that whole time??
or were they innocent?
or did they feel justified that what they had done was correct?

we just simply do not know.

but i do agree.

we would not know good without evil
nor evil without good..

~ Del ~ updated @ 11:10:00 PM

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its been ages since i've blogged
well excluding the recent one
however
it was mainly accountable to the
lack of content. or so i claimed.

i like to think of this as a record
but in the record itself its something
that exists (hmm somehow in cyberspace?)
or however it exists as binary or what not.
i dont quite understand how it works

tho the point being rather than
something that records what ive been up to in my life
like it was earlier on
but to be something more of like
a collection of thoughts
the existence of processes
which together form some physical kind of... blob???
personally. not quite sure myself.
maybe if i ever print it off..
it will be a physical collection of paper then :)
something that has converted from
the basic movement of electrolytes
forming an electrical currents
that shoot between each other
bouncing off nerve to nerve
to form a continual stream of thoughts that are
later continually converted to even more various energies
to take physical form on paper
in the macro scale of something physical that i can see

and reading over that..
is it not a physical element already there in the first place
like something that we cant see but is there.
which really makes me wonder
if i could ever see the entire world
in the hypothesised basic composition at atomic scale
what it would really be like i can only imagine...

i barely made sense in the last 5 mins have i?
(i started 5 mins ago)

but. the point is
i was also talking bout the contents and topics
and the one that was on my mind was that of continuum

First. lets go all the way back
to where this continuum thoughts started from.
last week was my 3 hour seminar on equity and diversity.
it was talking bout equity and diversity in the world
and how there has been and is prejudice in the world
namely in our everyday lives..
especially things we will encounter
in our lives later in the workforce
that there is privilege in being part of the dominant group.
which would be:

*caucasian
*male
*hetrosexual
*able-bodied (that is to say not disbled)

and when they were discussing homosexuality..
there was a recommendation to go and watch the movie Kinsey
which discusses the works of Kinsey who developed
the Kinsey scale of sexuality.

basically Kinsey is what they called the Father of sexuality
who basically got studies and information together
through an enormous number of interviews
to determine what is 'normal'
as sex is such a hush hush topic and no one really knew much about it

the scale ranges about 1-7 (or 1-5?) anyways.
there's two extremes..
one being 100% heterosexual and the other 100% homosexual
and then between these two extremes
the range describes a mix of the two in varying degrees.

and with that they basically state that
the scale shows how sexuality is a continuum
rather than a distinct, defined straight cut picture

which had further lead me to the thought of continuums..

yes thats how the full circle went..
but then question is... a continuum means a range??
like this scale where things fall somewhere between 2 points
but relating it to the word continuous..
if its continuous then should there be no end?
and that said..
it would be an infinite line wouldnt it?

ok dictionary definition first:

continuum: noun, plural -tin⋅u⋅a  /-ˈtɪnyuə/
1. a continuous extent, series, or whole.

hmm so yes.. it is 'continuous'
then i thought about how to depict it..
how do you represent a continuous entity
without having to stop it coz it doesnt stop??

the image i had in mind was a circle..
it just goes round and round and round and round and round.
mm you get the point by now eh? :P

but then connecting the circle
would lead to the ultimate problem that
both extremes would be touching each other
so if the two extremes are touching..
then are they really that different?
what is the point of dichotomy then?

it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer..
ah yes.. i love it.
for all those interesting concepts put together
like the episodes on passion
that, rather than love vs. hate that drives us
it is passion that they both are.
so the opposites of love is not hate
and hate is not the opposite of love
rather it is the absence of passion
that is the opposite of the both emotions
as the lack of is the ultimate opposite
of a burning emotion present in a person

and at the same topic, or on a different analogy
likening to my health admin studies...

the opposite of job satsifaction is not job disatisfaction, rather it is the absence of job satisfaction

somehow.. now that i think of it..
i think some of the words aren't right
probs mixed up some of the terms
like correct words
but the meaning is still there
it related to the the point that
you cant change job satisfaction
by dealing hygiene issues,
that is issues that people are complaining about
rather to enhance their work life by increasing motivation
through contribution, extended learning and recognition

ok.
shall leave this here
since its been hanging around for a while on drafts.

*hugs*
(maybe more posts with the impending exams..??)
-Del

~ Del ~ updated @ 10:20:00 PM

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Hello, hello, hello.
strange that....
a word i dont even say that often anymore.
i realised that just the other day.
walking back from uni and back to work.
or rather, i don't quite remember saying it
then it makes me wonder.
how many people i do come across in my day to day life.

later yester-night..
it felt as if time gone backwards again.
back one? two years?
yep. that time again.
buddhists talks n such
and there it was the same group of people
turning up for another set of talks.
and there it was.
the same feeling
and i wondered.
was it the thoughts that triggered the feeling of being there as before
the whole collated group gathering and belonging
if not discussing then thinking over
the questions being raised.

or.
was it just that winter has arrived again.
the dark cold room
with a group of warm smiles and chatter
alleviating the lonely depression
slowly seeping in from the outside..
creeping in and under your skin
through the wind.

does this post somehow feel dysjointed?
i dunno.
it feels so familiar to be typing again
yet it feels like there's somewhat a distance
some sort of hesitation as to a clear cut topic.
funny this.
somehow it feels like. or as if i do have some
distance with my own blog.
as if meeting back up with an old partner.
trying to get past the initial awkwardness
of getting to know each other again..
trying to relight an old passionate relationship...


hmm.
to some extent... no.
some of those words were just that too far romanticised
but yes. it is true it was hard to start typing a post again
but stepping back a bit, it seems as if it really wasnt that hard
to step back in to this same role..
maybe old habits really do die hard? :P

anyways.
im hoping this is a come back to my once regular posting.
of which the only way would be to make time for it no matter what.
but somehow wondering whether retuning to my mental escape
is really that great of an idea...
good for the mind
bad for my studies :P
...
well hope it isnt.
should be a fun enjoyable past time..
which it once was.

and..
finishing off with a post i started back in feb :)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

New year.
New number.
New age.
New opportunities.
New challenges.
New ...?

so another year has started.
but is everything all so new?
just coz a calendar states that things suddenly stop and start afresh..
is it actually start afresh?
its more like it just goes on.

somehow its like you're stuck in a never ending circle
or like some roller coaster on repeated loop the loop
that you cant get away from
yet if you manage to move away
the new change eventually integrates into routine
and your routine cycles over once again..

some how that thought is slightly depressive
but.. at the same time. comforting
it means that you shouldnt be theoretically
having endless ups and downs
yet they still exist to distort your routine
however routine over rules.
least you hope so...
it would be pretty hard to find financial security other wise.
yet question would be whether
financial or emotional security for that matter
is your ultimate aim?
or a simple life?
or one studded with uncertainties and unknowns
coming round the river bend?

===========================================================

hoping the rain stops soon..
(reason why i didnt go to uni today..
well that and i need to reorganise my life)

*hugs*

-Del

~ Del ~ updated @ 10:25:00 AM

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